happy birthdays or not?

eeyoweptna eta eta kankaa'ne

both ginger kathren's cloud and pableu had birthdays this week. in my heart of hearts i celebrate them being here, am made more better for it, am happy that they are both loved and welcomed in this crazy world, but there's also a part of me that is sad again and probably always will be. cloud shouldn't be a poster horse for anything, he should just be the glorious stallion that he is, free, healthy, happy and left alone. and pableu? oh yes we love him to pieces but the pictures i have in my head of him so young and adorable, walking the earth with his family during those brilliant-sky-bleu days in july when we saw him, haunt me on days like this more than they conjure up happy memories. every time i see him buck and play he tells me it's okay...my life is good, all is well. so maybe it's just my weak human mind feeling the changes we have been forced to endure and succmb to ever since our buffalo, horses, land and people were killed, scattered, and or dislocated that haunts me. i can choose weather their birthdays are gonna be happy ones for me or not. i choose happy. sometimes, once you speak the pain, you can lay it down. no alcohol is required, no pills, no misery, you just lay it down. i lay mine down...